In a shocking turn of events, the Brown brothers prove they can read in our first ever Book Club episode! Join us as we delve into the erotic novel "Dabbin With Cam."
Mom, you probably shouldn't listen to this one. Greg is very naughty in this episode.
Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/patriots-dynasty-podcast.
This is Christine Brown, and while I have to listen to this podcast as my motherly duty, you have the choice not to. My sons sometimes say some naughty things when they're trying to be funny, but really, they're just being stupid. You still want to listen? Go right ahead. I am not your mother.
You looked at the pictures and that was enough. It's like Greg watching highlights. But yeah, so this is book club week. And since Greg, I think this was mainly driven by you. So do you want to do the honors of introducing us to what we're going to be reviewing today? Sure. Yeah. So we stumbled across this at one of the previous podcasts, but essentially it started with, uh,
A Gronking to remember, right? Correct. And then we're like, well, let's see if there's any other ones out there. And we came across an erotic romance novel titled Dabbing with Cam by Caroline Blue. Now, I don't know if we want to call it a novel. Do we want to call it a novel? I was going to say novella. Because me and Steve bought the Kindle.
version and doesn't really give you page numbers but you actually bought the physical copy how much was that first of all because yeah because it was $2.99 on kindle if anybody else wants to uh to read along with us you can pause it right now and go on amazon and it's $2.99 dabbing with cam but how much was the actual physical book uh i think it was nine dollars all right nine dollars well spent yes how many pages it's funny you get for
Well, it doesn't have page numbers. What kind of book is it? There's no chapters. There's no page. That's why I'm hesitant to call it a novel because it's more like just a long essay, I would say. It's like a printed out blog. Yeah. Yeah. That's what it is. I mean, it takes like, well, I want to take the read it, guys. It was like half an hour tops. Yeah. Well, longer.
I do have one criticism no pictures in it
except for the cover
yeah this is
an audio medium we understand that but the cover
is I was actually just looking it up
because on the first
inside cover page I think is probably what it is
with her head on this black man's shoulder with her arms draped around him. And then it kind of fades down below into that into a football field with a very another stock photo of a black man in a black uniform black helmet with a white number one on it who looks like he's throwing a football incorrectly. I don't know how you would throw a football grabbing it like that almost like from the end of it.
Like a lefty throwing a football right-handed? Yeah. And then it feels like this was made with Photoshop elements. Like the cheap version of Photoshop that you can get. Like the online version. And you just kind of like took a couple of pictures of the normal people and like threw together. Oh, this is a romance between these two people. So we'll put those in there. It has football. So we'll put that in there. And then we'll put the text over it, which is just like a
It's first and long. Or will he drop back and hit the tight end? Like just the worst puns ever. That's the entire back? No, there's no synopsis really. I mean, I guess you could make the argument that it's kind of a synopsis, but every single sentence is a pun. Right, I thought that was most of the book right there. Which I mean, it makes sense. Yeah, they're getting, they're going to directly to their target audience, right? As people buying this to just laugh. But us.
We're big in Eastern Europe. The Ukraine's going to go hot for this. That's right. So I looked up the author in 2016. So this is Caroline Blue isn't her real name. So that's the one thing I want to talk about too. I looked up the author who was Caroline Blue, which I don't think.
This has been my day today. I can also hear your sighs very loudly. I don't know if you just sigh into the mic, but it's like... I'm actually putting my mic further away. At least he's not doing this the entire fucking time, right? Like who? Like who? Like who? Steve, huh? Good one. Jerking off mic. Typical. I was told to talk into the microphone, so I'm talking into the microphone.
All right. What are we talking about? Oh, the author. We're talking about the author. Caroline Blue. So, yes. So, I looked up Caroline Blue because it felt a little shady to me that the author was Caroline Blue, but if you paid attention carefully enough, which was hard to do, I understand reading this, but the main character in this was also named Caroline Blue.
So either she wrote this book about herself. Fuck me. All right. Give me a second. I'm going to have to go inside. Can you hear us when we say something? You sound like you have a delayed response too. I have no idea then. Hang on. I'm going inside. Okay.
It sounds like it's going forever. You hear your buddies coming down here possibly? Oh yeah, I meant to text him. Yeah, he definitely texted me. He texted me. Yeah, he gave me your number. He was supposed to get married that weekend. Oh, shit. Yeah. So like, his fiance wants to get out of the, you know, do something. So just sitting around. Yeah, you should come down too. October 24th.
Yeah, I'm not seeing anything. Are you going to come and play golf? When? I don't know. I'm playing, well, I guess Monday, but it's supposed to rain. Saturday morning. And then me and Steve were talking about he's trying to get us on Army Navy Country Club. Whoa. Now that would be cool. Oh, yeah. So he gets Fridays off. So I was going to take every Friday off in December anyway, so I can flip one of those around.
Yeah, I mean, I'm down. I just have to, I'd need to know a little bit in advance just so I could plan out work and stuff like that. Yeah. Maybe if we stick a date on it the weekend after he's there. Yeah. I'm up here on that Friday. I fixed my swing. Yeah. It's better. It's like, it's a jet fix, Steve. Okay. I went to the driving range for like four straight days at lunchtime.
the main character in the story Caroline. Yeah is this a true story? I had written down that it was a true story yeah. Okay. Yeah well it's like it's like a Quentin Tarantino where it's like it's based on a true story but with just like an alternate ending you know. Oh yeah. Like he kills the Nazis in the end where that's not what happened but it's all based around factual things. Yeah okay. Where do you think it
Yeah, so I looked up Caroline Blue and there is no record of an author named Caroline Blue. There is only a melodic hard rock band based out of Syracuse, New York, whose originals have been described as being similar in style to Kiss with a touch of Dawkins, Megadeth, and Typo Negative. It sounds like my high school metal band, Liquid Fetus, had similar... Wait, are they the owners of the Panthers, just like Kiss is the owners of the Echoes?
XFL team?
I don't know, but they might be related to this book with their song,
Slave to the Hourglass and Mine, Mine, Mine.
Oh, boy.
So do you want to let's explain the plot, though, first,
so people have an idea of what's going on here.
So, our protagonist is Caroline Blue, who's like a junior financial analyst,
living and accountant, living and working in Charlotte, North Carolina.
She, as many romantic movies, novels start out, she's like the overworked,
I don't have time for love type of gal, you know?
Right, yeah.
I need to focus on my career.
I'm so exhausted.
I can't even think about dating. All my friends are marketing or went into marketing and they all get to go out and have drinks and travel and stuff while I'm sitting here working 70 hours a week making sure my boss doesn't fire me for losing pennies or something. Yeah. So it starts out with her. She gets called into her boss's office and they're like, congratulations, you've won. And she's like, I don't even know what I won.
But little does she know her best friend Emily has entered her into a contest for VIP package to go to the Super Bowl or the big game as they're calling it in Santa Clara, California. So congrats, Caroline. She didn't even remember. Yeah, she wouldn't have even signed up for herself and she tries to get out of it too. Yeah, she doesn't want to go. She tries to use her dog as an excuse. Yeah, that's that's low. Classic chick movie.
either way and you can't tell just because they're both written the same
the louis the adorable basset hound i chose lewis quote i chose lewis for the countless
nights lewis ck had cheered me up over the years and the fact that i've been eyeing a certain louis
vitton handbag for years i regretted the vitton part of his name but to the ck part i was still firmly
committed so this was obviously written pre him jerking off maybe or or maybe why she didn't regret it
I think it was apt. I just looked it up.
And the New York Times article where he got accused was from November 2017.
So I think this is just a very poorly timed excerpt from the book, which I think makes it even better.
There'll be more of those coming up.
Yes. Yes. There is a few of those.
So her friend, Emily, convinces her to go, and her friend is like, oh, Cam Newton, you got to see this hunk of man meat, right? She's like, God, what if you were like, she calls him a beautiful piece of amazing man, which, wah-wah-wee, here we go. I get it. Yeah. I've seen his workout videos. All right. Yeah. Got a nice smile. Yeah. She sees Gareth. We're talking about his hairstyle?
All right. So she gets on the plane and she's whisked away to sunny California. And she's like, you know what? Yeah. With all the big wigs, all the executives from her, uh, from her office. And she's like, you know what? I could get used to this. You know, she's drinking champagne on the plane. We got her like set up in a nice hotel room. She's like, you know what? This ain't so half bad.
entered the red zone. My dad would raise his hands in the air like he was saying, I surrender before each field goal, an extra point kick saying they were obsessed was an understatement. That the field goal thing makes tons of sense. Yeah. That doesn't feel like obsession to me. Also, who does jumping jacks in 2020? You know, in relation to football, I've never heard that before. Or just, I've never seen like an adult. All right, we're inside the pen, drop and give me 10.
She described her posture as like a turtle and then drops a line about how turtles survive the ice age, which I googled it is true. Nuggets of knowledge like that. But that is like, yeah, those guys are crazy about football. They do jumping jacks when they enter the red zone. So she gets to she gets to California and then it's finally the
She's having a great time, you know, rubbing elbows with all these big, big wigs. And then it's finally the day of the game. So she gets, she gets her, her Panthers jersey on her signed to Kim Newton Panthers jersey on her friend, Emily. Yeah. Emily is a big fan. Yeah. So, and then she goes up to the booth, the box, the box seats, right. So they're all whining and dining, you know, having a good time.
But there's a somber mood up there because the Panthers are not winning. Uh-oh. That's going to ruin the day for all these millionaires. They were, oh, by the way, I didn't catch this until I read it in one of the reviews, but at halftime, the Panthers were down 15 points when the score was 17 to 3. Yes. Yeah.
Which would be the biggest comeback in history? Yes, would require the biggest comeback in the history of the game. Again, poorly timed. 10 points was the previous record. Poorly timed. Also, I don't want to call Carolyn out for her grammatical mistakes in here, but just get an editor. So no, here's the thing. I was thinking that too when I was reading this before we were going to record it.
That's not shame her, Andy.
Well, I think Greg might have said maybe she gets it right sometimes, and then she'll talk about a steel tub multiple times. She'll spell it differently both times. That's not not knowing. That's just not giving a shit.
Well, I mean, she needs to get an editor. She needs someone to proofread this shit, because no one proofreads it. That goes without a doubt.
I've written on the blog where I'll read it myself after I wrote it, but like when you're reading it and you wrote it, you have a tendency to like miss like extra words or like especially when you went back and change your sentence. But a third party reading it should look at that and be like, well, here's one. Here's a mistake. If I found like 15 to 20 of them minimal, that means that someone else would have found at least like 10 of them, you know? Oh, yeah. Maybe they did. Maybe that was edited, which is.
I had some redemption for. Can you state what you said before about the 15 points? That's incorrect. She said the Panthers needed 15 to win, 14 to send the game into overtime. So, M. Driscoll on Amazon.com can eat shit. Okay? He got it wrong. That's true. Yes.
Yeah, it's enough actual author critique here. Let's get back to the story. So she's at the game, and she's slugging down the champagne, just getting a little spicy, you know? Having herself a day. But then, her damned bladder, right? She goes to the bathroom. Can I read the quote? Can I read the quote? Sure. Quote, my tiny bladder reminded me it can only do so much, and halftime seemed like the perfect time to take care of that and also get a bit of fresh air. Ooh.
It had its own bar. It had its own TV. And there was no line for the bathroom. Yeah. I was in a box seat in the cap stadium. And there was a bathroom in the box. Like, you had your own bathroom. Like, you didn't have anything. Food, booze, and a fucking bathroom. Yeah. They have a guy there that shakes it for you. Just like a bottle. He just holds the bucket. Yeah.
She goes down to the bathroom. She takes a piss. And then, like, second half's about to start. She's like, uh-oh. Disaster strikes. Pull yourself together, Carolyn, is the quote. So she splashes some water in her face. She heads back up to the elevator, and she has forgotten her purse in the booth. Which has everything. Her ticket. Her phone. Her phone. Yep. Probably her keys and wallet. Yep.
So the man at the elevator, the security guy is like, sorry, ma'am, I can't let you go back up there. And there was some weird part about her trying to like explain it. She's like, I'm not that drunk. And she was pointing at skyward. And then she's like pointing back down at the guy and that made her fall over. Yeah. As well as I'm not that drunk. And you try to do some sort of like emphatic movement.
So I'm curious if you guys thought the same thing. What opponent did you think the Panthers were playing? 40-90s? But then I didn't realize it was a Super Bowl. After she's like, it's the biggest comeback in the big game history. I was like, oh, shit. How the fuck can you say that earlier? They didn't explain that very well. So, well, yes. It's got to be Denver though, right? Yes. So, yeah. So this is the thing. It was...
The crowd
Oh, Jesus. Here's your editing. I'm
reading verbatim now. The crowd, the area erupted in
laughter. Quote, it's been that kind of day for the Panthers. I'm in
in the opposing team's jersey said
at least their fans are getting some form of
entertainment. His friend in orange said
There you go. I think the Broncos make the most
sense. Yeah. I mean, this is this is when that Super Bowl
was and it was in Santa Clara. Oh, all right. So
Newton getting sacked just launches a ball into the crowd and what does she do Andy she channels her her father who because she's the eldest and it took them so long to get pregnant with her what thought that this was his only chance of having a son to share sports with so he used to throw footballs and other balls at her in the backyard and taught her how to catch a football
So she turns around and just out of
snags this motherfucker
out of thin air
Randy Moss
Oh just Mossed it
And the fucking crowd goes crazy
They're all like holy shit
this chick in the stands
this shit face dumbass broad
just fucking snag this catch
and none of our wide receivers can catch shit
fucking sign this girl up
get her in there
Everyone's fucking losing it. Oh, yeah. What size did she shoot off? Let's go. They even had her up on the Jumbotron. Yeah. Replays of her making the catch. Apparently the Jumbotron was flashing. What a catch. What a catch. What a catch. On all the screens. That's a pretty good Jumbotron guy. Yeah, he was on top of that really quickly. Yeah. Yeah, so she fucking catches it. Everyone, you know, giving her high fives. She's
Yep. Not gonna bother with names at this point. Changed their luck. Yeah. So then she has to get mended up because it was such a rocket from Cam that she like bloodied her hands, I guess. She broke a nail as well. Yeah, broke a nail. So she had to go to security and get her all patched up. So she went to the medical tent and then they send her into the drunk tank because she's still shit-faced, obviously, right?
Because this just took a hard left turn. Yeah, so then so Officer Fisher takes her and is like, all right, you're not going to jail. You're going to go on the field right now. So they bring her back in as the Panthers are celebrating this confetti coming down from the rafters. This is almost two thirds of the way through the book. And so far, Cam Newton has not made an appearance. Other than his chucking it five yards out of bounds. Yeah. Five rows out of bounds.
So she gets on TV. She tells the interviewer, like, you're the fan that won the Super Bowl. She's like, oh, my God, I can't believe it. She asked some kid to borrow his phone, calls her dad, and he's, like, weeping on the phone. I highlighted this part. Hang on. So she had a phone call she wanted to make.
And here it is verbatim from the book. Quote, do you mind if I make a long distance call? I asked as I looked up from the phone to the boy. Quote, sure, I have the full US plan. Call anybody you want. It doesn't cost me extra and I never use all my minutes. This is 2016, right? Yeah, that would have been great in 2001, maybe, when that was a thing. I also thought that was very strange. And she missed a total opportunity to plug, oh, I have Verizon. You can call anyone.
in the U.S. and Canada and Puerto Rico plus Mexico. You know? Only 35 cents a minute. Sorry. Continue, Greg. See, that makes me think that maybe this is a copy and paste job where this is a previous book with some other quarterback and they just like did control F replace with all Cam or like Steve Young with Cam Newton kind of thing.
That's why I would say this is definitely a control
replace sort of job, you know?
Joe Montana wants to holler at you
for sure. For sure.
And holler
H-O-L-L-E-R
for sure.
That was perfect English. I'm almost surprised
that this wasn't dabbing
with a G instead of dabbing with an apostrophe.
Yeah, right? That's a good point.
Yeah, so she gets into the
And then this is where it starts to get a little bit hot and heavy. Oh, it gets steamy. Yeah, girls allowed in here and they're like, whatever. It's the Super Bowl. It's a pod. Get on in here and start looking at some dicks. And she does. Oh, yeah. So she goes in there and how much of this part onwards, Greg, of your book is highlighted? Oh, dude. Every page.
One word came to mind, dot, dot, dot, dot, hung. Eight inches to my left, nine inches to my right. There goes another seven to nine, I thought. That's a pretty wide gap, seven to nine. Yeah, but soft, Steve. They're not even hard yet. Think about that. She does specify that, yes. Even before that, going back to the towels thing, I skipped over it the first time, but then when I was going back,
I realized what it actually said. Tell me if this makes sense. The players were getting interviewed in their towels until they weren't. Weren't not as in getting interviewed. Weren't as in not wearing towels. That makes sense, right? Yeah. I read through that a couple times. It took a couple tries. Yeah. All right. Yeah. As in they took their towels off. Exposing their genitalia.
The interview continued.
The interview continued.
The towels did not stay on.
So then she's, they keep, all these people keep pointing her to like,
Oh, Cam's been asking about you.
And she's like, Oh my God, Cam, the quarterback.
And they're like, yeah, he's, he's back there in the whirlpool.
No, the other cam.
I got to ice up for my game in seven months. So there he was, Cam Newton, winner of the big game, just sitting there, the most popular person in the world today. And he was less than 10 feet from Carolyn, fully naked, buck naked. And he's like, hey, girl, it's you. I can't believe it.
Or should I say floated? Cam squeezed me tight and put out his hand for a high five. It's like you raised sexual tension right there. A nice little, you know, steamy high five. While hugging him? How does that work? She didn't get into the whirlpool, right? No. So she's still out of the whirlpool right now. Still playing coy. Yeah. But it does explain why he's in the ice bath right now.
Because, yeah, they brought the blitz. I escaped the pocket but still took a licking from two linebackers. That explains the whirlpool when I should be celebrating. Yeah. When in real life, he just, like, let them recover the fumble and was like, you know what? Business decision. Speaking of business decisions. Yeah. Carry on. So, uh-oh. Greg just froze. Greg. That's a good look on his face when he did, though.
to make this comeback. Start over. You froze when you first started that. Okay. So Cam proceeds to tell Carolyn how she was the inspiration for the Panthers' comeback win and said that right after that play, he goes in the locker into the huddle and it was like, hey, if that stupid broad can catch the ball, then you guys can goddamn well do it. No offense. Yeah, no more drops.
Tom Brady when he was down 28-3. Throws it on. Dumb lady in the stands catches it. He comes back in the huddle and is like, you motherfucker. If she doesn't fumble it, you can't too. Yeah, right? No more drops. We're going to win. Laser focused. Laser focused. It's because that guy in Kansas City was shining the light in his eyes. Like, if he can laser focus,
You can laser focus. It's true. I thought of that. Yeah. So then there's about, I would say, three to five pages of just them having a conversation that is just all strictly sexual innuendo puns. Yeah. So this is, I think, the football, not football section of this episode, right? Right. We're not getting into football, not football. Talking about penetration in the backfield.
I sent our tight ends deep into the red zone and we scored yeah our offense got a quick blow and she's like oh my god a quick blow she's like yeah you know we almost scored again she's like oh scored again oh my god yeah shot right through the two hole which which also doesn't make sense yeah and she's like that's a butthole joke right fun
That's like,
motto thing.
Really?
Of course it is.
You know how like,
every team has like,
a phrase they hashtag and all their,
there's,
there's this keep pounding.
Is that Jerry Richardson's idea,
do you think?
For all,
it's clearly Caroline Blue's idea,
I think.
She's the first one that wrote it.
It's a game of inches,
and our guys were prepared to win the
when the refs bring out the chains to measure.
We measure for inches, and we always had the length.
Yeah, her head was spinning from all the sexual innuendos.
Quite honestly, I skipped over this bit.
Yeah, so was mine.
I get it.
But then she could feel the wetness between her thighs, though.
So she's clearly, you know, she's in the mood now after all this.
That was sex talk from Cam. I did like the part where it was, you must be cold. It's frigid in the whirlpool. To which he responds, I'm not frigid. I'm going to shoehorn that one right in there. That might fit the rest of it. I love that. I'll allow it. Yeah, and Cam gets out and he's going to go to the hot tub, right? Oh, yeah. And he gets out. It's so very big, but so gentle at the same time. I could see that with Cam.
He is kind of like a yeah, he's intimidating, but he's kind of got that like boyish like, oh, yeah. Yeah, he's a big, gentle lover. Yeah, big old gentle teddy bear. Yeah. Well, I just mean from like a lover standpoint. Yeah, so do I. I think he'd be very giving. Yeah. Yeah, I agree. I should make some comments about his butt as big, perfect behind. And then. Then they start dabbing.
I'm not properly attired for this. And he's like, you know, just your best suit is your birthday suit. I mean, he's not wrong. Yeah. But so, you know, Caroline's like still kind of a little self-conscious. Wait a second, guys. I just put it together. Caroline is not a fucking real name. Carolina blue, like the Panthers, the color of the Panthers. You just put that together, Greg? Did you guys know that?
in the hot tub with his stud. And so what does he do? So she's too embarrassed. And so he says, don't worry, he said. I almost forgot. He stood up and took my hand in his hand. Ready, he asked. Ready for what? You know. He thrust our joint hands towards the ceiling and leaned into his other elbow. What's that? Don't tell me you don't know. Don't know what? Come on, girl. Dab. Next thing I knew, we were dancing.
Dad-ing, dad-ing, and doing the cat daddy. Cat daddy? Shout out. I looked it up. Oh, did you? Because I did not. You didn't know what cat daddy is? I didn't know. Oh. Can you do it for us, Greg? I mean, no, I can't. I don't remember it that well. I remember it was a popular thing with that model with the large.
That made her feel better though. Cause then she's like, all right, fuck this. I'm getting in that hot tub. Yeah. Yeah. And at this point, I like how she tied it back to the very beginning. You know, I think all good authors do this where they like, you know, fold in some of the previous parts they talked about where she's like, oh shit, I ain't even trimmed up my bush. I've been so busy at work, you know, I haven't had time to shave the grundle. And then she's like, you know what? Let's get in this hot tub.
Yeah, some dudes like that. Yeah.
So just to finish this off, she's drinking champagne, laughing, dabbing with Cam.
I felt so free like a bird, or should I say a panther in the jungle?
And like a panther, I now decide it was time to hunt or at least be hunted.
I don't think panthers get hunted.
Well, maybe by us.
So she rips open her blouse like Superman, another Cam Newton celebration reference.
Oh, I missed that one. That's great.
So she's in her bra and pandas and she's like, well, let's get in this tub. Scoots up in there. She's feeling a little confident from the alcohol. Even though you think she'd be sobering up by now. I mean, well, no, because they drank more alcohol. They drank more right there. Oh, that's right. They were getting some bubbles going. They were spraying each other. Drinking a hot tub makes you sick. Steve apparently knows this. Yeah, it dehydrates you. I can see Steve being a drunk hot tub kind of guy.
I was hoping you'd read the paragraph before that. My hand continued down the goal line, down to the goal line. Before I even got close, I could feel his goal post. At that moment, I knew why he was referred to as the man of steel. See, the puns just don't do it for me. Like, let's just, let's skip the innuendo and just really start talking about his dick, you know? Nope, the puns are why I spent two night on this.
There's so fucking many.
Because right after this, it just evolves again into just football or not footballs.
It did, but then it got weird.
I ran my hands up and down his shaft and then slid them around and grabbed that amazing behind.
Two halves of molten lava made of steel apples.
Is it molten or is it steel?
I don't.
Molten lava made of steel apples?
I can't even picture like I'm trying to get in the mood here and I can't picture what that is. Greg can you help me? Check that. And like apples where the fuck did apples come from? And why are they molten apples? I don't know. With steel apples excuse me. Two halves. Two halves makes me think she's talking about a cuda. You know. No explain that. Well you know molten lava halves like together the melty in the middle.
Inches wasn't even close to the appropriate term. Right, because it's fourth and inches. Yeah, which is ironic. More like first down and goal. Makes no fucking sense either. Yeah. It went off the rails a little bit here, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It started getting pretty, pretty graphic. Yeah, now we get some booty talk. Yeah, she is of all the good football and not footballs when he's sitting in the whirlpool, and then, like, by the time they're in the hot tub, she's got nothing left, and she's graphic. Yeah, I'm desensit.
But I didn't care.
Now that's a visual.
Oh my god, I'm going to be sick.
It's looking so stupid.
Thank you.
I feel like we should probably rewrite this.
Oh man.
But speaking of that, at this point, the hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it. Hole with a W, by the way. And drive he did. It was a long, sustained drive that lasted the fully 15 minutes. He called the plays and he certainly executed. Short thrusts, deep balls, a few flickers thrown in. Couple flickers. I was so into the moment. He could have called for a scat and I would have lined up for the action.
Pancakes that Greg was talking about than actual. Or maybe we're confusing scat to me in the rear and maybe it's like skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet. No, I think. I figured it out. He could have called for the scat me and like shit on my chest. Yeah. That's what I was trying to say without saying those exact words. But yes, because if you read the actual sentence that Greg was referring to, it is he had to stretch to get it in. But my backfield was fully penetrated. So.
I think there was some bumping. Yeah, and she said a tight end that had never seen a single play. So that means that he took her anal virginity but didn't shit on his chest. Which is good because it's a hot tub and that's a whole other issue. As somebody who used to clean pools, that's not a mess you want to clean up. Next morning, got it. The facility's got to get soon.
And then as she's leaving he goes hey
I didn't catch your name
I didn't catch your name
It's not even funny
Why are you laughing
I just fucked your ass
What's your name by the way
Ridiculous
Ridiculous
Ridiculous
Oh, fuck. It would have been so much better if her last name was Brown.
How perfect. Well, Caroline, he said. He raised his hands in position and said, don't forget to, as he dabbed. I dabbed back. We both smiled and out the doorway and into the night I went.
Oh, my goodness.
Yeah, daddy issues. Part two. Yeah. Dabbing with Brian. Yeah. See, I, this is my takeaway from this book is that this is all a social critique on Bank of America. What? Hear me out. I'm listening. I am all ears. Hear me out. Hear me out.
Bank of America has 137,000 employees. Interesting. As of 2016, I bet it might have been more. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And then she goes away on this fancy trip and she doesn't even do anything work related. In fact, she makes work take a backseat, but somehow gets promoted at the end of it just by pure chance, not because of work ethic.
And that just goes to show you that it's not about who does the most work to get ahead. It's just who fucking sleeps with the athlete or gets to go to the big name and rub elbows with the executives. That's what's wrong with America and our banking system specifically. Capitalism. I call you a idiot a lot, but you are definitely onto something. Yes. He's an idiot savant. Thank you. Yeah, you're right. This is a subtle critique of our capitalists.
capitalistic nature, especially the leeway we give these big banks to just fucking waste all the taxpayer money, get bailed out, make a bunch of decisions, and then, yeah, shit pancakes all over the American people. Yeah. You know what I say to that? You want to know what I say to that? Dabbing. Dab on the haters. I dabbed on the haters. Also, did you notice how often she referenced like, oh, lucky this or lucky that?
So what she does is she comes back and as a thank you to Emily takes both of them on a trip to Paris. She gives them tickets to Paris, which apparently is something they've been talking about forever because it's that trip. But before they go, as it wraps up the end of this story,
It is. So, you know, she's like saying thank you for doing this. And so Emily says, girl, I can't wait to go with you. See what trouble we can get into. Me either. But first, I said, as I turned my head sideways and raised my eyebrows, we got a dab. And dab we did until we fell to the ground rolling on the carpet in laughter. Best friends are crazy like that. Go Panthers. The end. Finn. Yeah, they definitely don't like each other.
All up on the ground laughing and dabbing. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Best friends are crazy like that. Yeah, Steve. You don't do that with your best friends, Steve? Yeah, haven't you ever been on Instagram.com? You dumbass. Chicks love each other. Yeah, BFFs. It's an app, not a website, idiot. Steven, Steven. Guys, I'm talker. I just think Emily is going to be resentful forever for entering her friend in that conversation.
Paris their whole lives and she's not even gonna tell him about sleeping with the Super Bowl MVP immediately after the game exactly on a trip that you were only there because you got entered in by Emily that's what I'm saying Emily Emily's trip Emily would have enjoyed it more Caroline's a bitch yeah and fuck Bank America yes okay um I
I googled book club topics for Fifty Shades of Grey because I thought they just like the parallel well here. Do you want me to bring up a couple of the questions? Sure. Yeah. Okay. This book is marketed as steamy erotica for suburban housewives. Is this accurate? Do you think reading about intense sexual encounters enhances the sexual experience? Of the many sex scenes, discuss your favorite or least favorite. There was only one.
Let's see.
My favorite.
Up on the field.
Do you think this is marketed as a steamy erotica for suburban housewives?
I think it's marketed as a steamy erotica for guys like us.
We are the target market.
I don't know the whole,
the whole like,
Emily's my best friend.
That screamed to me like marketing towards women.
Like I hate my,
I hate my best friends.
I hate you guys I hate all my friends yeah you say friends but I don't think that word means what you think it means yeah I don't think you have any friends wow you have like like people who are obligated to be your friends like me and Andy but that yeah and people you see at work but they're paid to be there too yeah they're from like Czech Republic you guys talk about fucking pasta rock that's it Peter Hosko that guy yeah no
Yeah, there was no character arc. There was nothing there. I really didn't, you know. I was offended, quite honestly. Yeah. As an athlete with a human dick, I also was offended. I mean, you are a dummy. Yeah, there is more to us than just length and girth, I'll have you know. Okay? Yeah, right? I have feelings too. Yeah. And dancing. Andy?
I'm the smart one on this I think we all know yeah he clearly has a micropenis and have you seen my laptop hasn't risen nearly as high as I thought it would yeah were you guys aroused at any part in this book uh it was weak smut let's throw that it wasn't great yeah I agree smart yeah I mean because we're comparing this to kind of the gold standard of a Gronking to Remember and there's there's some steamy scenes in that
with Cam. Are we the actors in this? Yes. Is Steven Caroline blue? We can make, we can discuss that, but I think, I think he's definitely the most feminine of us. No, we'll have Kelly be it. I will be the next owner. You can be Emily, Greg, you can be Cam. Yeah. I work with a black guy, so I'll have him be Cam and then.
Oh my god.
I think.
Closely vaguely remember Cam?
Like the guy in the picture?
Oh my god.
Apparently you could just insert black guy.
It's whatever.
Like whatever.
Just clip art.
Close enough.
So but I think Greg you might be honest I mean I think we could make a couple of bucks
writing one of these.
What would that be about?
I mean you said the Edelman one.
I think that there's a lot of squirrel finds a nut.
Ask their father for their hand in marriage and then just like in free time. It's like a Christian version of a romantic novel. Yeah, it's literally just romance. There's no erotic. I mean, we could. Initially, I was thinking Bill Belichick. I think that would be weird. Oh, the better I think of this genre of Belichick one with Ernie Adams showing up. Yeah, somehow. Okay. Yeah, I think.
I think we'll have to workshop this. Yeah. And it's just instead of actually being erotic, it's just like going over a bunch of like game film, the whole book. The whole book is just marketed. Yeah, it's marketed as. Oh, that's not bad. It's Belichick watching film, but everything. Yeah, no, instead of actually football. The Carolina instead of Caroline blue, it's just a football. No, it's him watching game film, but he's talking dirty to the game film.
He's fucking a pig skin. He's just fucking a pig. Cut the hole in the playbook. And we'd call it love of the game. Not bad. He just has sex with inanimate football-related objects. Tackling dummies? Yeah, his tackling dummies. The goalposts.
Yeah. Oh, I already know what the end scene is going to be, and it's terrible, but I don't think we should ruin it for the listeners, so I'll tell you. Film spinning around the projector, the whole thing. All right. I have one last question. Sure. Do you think Cam Newton has read this? I wouldn't say read it. I bet he's aware of it. You think? I feel like he probably have to be. Yeah. I mean, someone would have asked him about it, like a friend.
I'd be like, dude, immediately tell them. Yeah. But I doubt he's read it. Somebody may have read it to him, though, because this shit's fucking hilarious. I might have told him excerpts, but I don't know if that's what I mean. Yeah. Not the whole thing. But yeah, the next question. Is there a way to translate it into his hieroglyphics and then send it to him? Yes. Oh, Andy. Oh, so there is a translator out there, and I think we'll just tweet it at him. Yes.
880 characters at a time.
Tweet out the highlights.
The whole book.
We'll just tweet the whole book at him.
180 characters at a time.
That's only like, what, six tweets?
This is not a long book.
Not a long book.
It's definitely doable.
But I do think, yeah, that's not a bad idea.
Maybe we'll create a whole separate Twitter account.
Dabbing with Cam.
Let's just do it from the podcast account.
Just from, all right, fuck it.
Oh, in the hieroglyphics.
I forgot your name. Oh, jeez. Do you want to come on my plane? I'll just fly back with the team. Hey, Cam, who's this? Oh, I don't know, actually. What's your name? All right, I'll give this two different scores. Okay. Panthers Lombardi of like a one. And Patriots Lombardi of like a four and a half, four in the NFC championship. Wow.
But as far as, you know, I paid $9 to get some laughs, to not have to commit a lot of time. And it accomplished everything I wanted it to accomplish. So I just want to know for the both of you, because I think I got you them for Christmas. Did you read the Gronking to Remember books? I think so, but I don't remember it at all. I don't think I did. And he got me the Gronking too. So maybe that's why, yeah, maybe that's why I've, I've graded it harsher because I've,
the pinnacle of the genre, I think, in those books.
So maybe we'll have to do...
Well, I guess we'll have to do our own Belichick version and top them all.
I think we could write...
I honestly think we could write one better than this.
I think so, too.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
All right, I'm going to put a Google Doc together.
We're not going to.
I've done dumber shit for a while, Greg.
All right.
You also said we weren't going to do this podcast.
We're not doing it.
He's a guy, too.
How long do you think, how much do you think it costs to get it published? I bet you can self-publish it on Amazon, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It can only charge you when it prints. All right. I'm in. All right. I'm in. We're doing it. We see Mike now. I'll write chapter two. You start with chapter one, Andy. I'll write chapter two. Okay. And then, yeah, and then Steve can do three and we'll just rotate all the way through. Yeah. Yeesh. All right. And we can't.
See you later.
See you later.
See you later.